Is “Let Them” Worth The Hype?

Simple Living

Nov 13

What book has been making multiple appearances on my Instagram feed? Mel Robbins’ “The Let Them Theory: A Life Changing Tool That Millions of People Can’t Stop Talking About.”

When I found it at my local library, I took it as a sign that it was worth the read. And it totally was!

What’s “The Let Them Theory”?

It’s simple. When someone does something that you don’t like, let them. No argument, no anger, sadness, despair, or any other lower emotion, just acceptance.

“In Stoicism, the focus is on controlling your own thoughts and actions—not the thoughts or actions of others. This philosophy perfectly aligns with Let Them, which is about consciously allowing others to make their own choices and live their own lives, without feeling the need to manage or influence their behavior.” (Page 38)

By accepting what is, we reduce internal resistance to external scenarios that are outside of our control, leaving us lighter and more free.

“The let them theory is about freedom. Two simple words—Let Them—will free you from the burden of trying to manage other people. When you stop obsessing over what other people think, say, or do, you finally have the energy to focus on your own life. You stop reacting and start living.” (Page 18)

Let Them is allowing other people to be who they are, which is hard to do but, as Robbins points out, people only change when they want to; no amount of convincing or coercion from us will influence change.

“So much time and energy is wasted on forcing other people to match our expectations. And the truth is, if somebody else—a person you’re dating, a business partner, a family member—if they’re not showing up how you need them to show up, do not try to force them to change. Let Them be themselves because they are revealing who they are to you.” (Page 26)

In the words of Captain Jack Sparrow, “The problem is not the problem; the problem is your attitude about the problem.”

Doesn’t this sound like complacency?

It would seem that way, until Robbins clarifies the difference between “Let Them” and “letting it go”:

“Letting go feels like you’ve lost. You’re surrendering to something beyond your control. Let Them is the opposite: It’s strength.

When you say Let Them, you’re not giving up or walking away. You’re releasing that grip you have on how things should go and allowing them to unfold the way they will go. You’re freeing yourself.” (Page 40)

It’s also important to understand the second part of the Let Them Theory, “Let Me.” Before we get there, however…

What about dangerous and harmful situations?

In these cases, Robbins is clear: You don’t just “Let Them.”

“If someone is doing something dangerous or self-destructive, you don’t just Let Them. You step in, take the keys, or do whatever is necessary to help because your response might just say their life—whether that’s calling for help, or calling the police, or driving them to detox, or staying with them through a crisis until they are in a safe place.” (Page 225)

However, she defines a line between helping someone and enabling them.

“Yes, they need your love and support. But here’s the hard part: They do not need to be ‘rescued.’ I will say this again: The more you try to rescue someone from their problems, the more likely they will continue to down in them. The more you judge someone for their behavior, the better they will get at lying to you about it.” (Page 227)

Robbins includes a section on influencing behavior, which details strategies such as modeling and asking pointed, open-ended questions that help the person arrive at their own conclusion, whether you like their conclusion or not, instead of badgering them with your opinions. Because when you do that, they’ll be less likely to come to you when they truly need help.

It’s difficult to watch someone slide into habits we believe are harmful, but it’s important not to rob someone of their bottom.

“Allowing someone to face the natural consequences of their actions is a necessary part of healing. The fact is, adults only get better when they are ready to do the work, and you will be ready way before they are.” (Page 226)

When you rob someone of their bottom, you also deny them the opportunity for strength.

“Look at people’s struggles as an opportunity to support them in discovering their strengths. If someone learns that they are too weak to face their struggles, they will never experience what is truly possible.” (Page 235)

Your power lies in “Let Me”

“Let Them” allows them to be them, while “Let Me” is how you choose respond to their behavior, not by controlling or forcing them to change, but by taking action, setting boundaries, or simply accepting it.

“When you say Let Them, you make a conscious decision not to allow other people’s behavior to bother you. When you say Let Me, you take responsibility for what YOU do next.” (Page 45)

I don’t think the critics of The Let Them Theory understood Let Me, either that or they ignored those chapters altogether.

“You cannot simply say Let Them and stop there. Many people forget the second step, Let Me—and this is a major mistake because Let Me is where your real power lies. It’s in Let Me that you take responsibility for your next move, for creating the life, relationships, and connection you want. Without this step, you’ll find yourself disconnected rather than empowered.” (Page 49)

Once you become well-versed in “Let Them,” you may find that you often choose no action. But how can you tell when action is needed? After all, the world doesn’t move forward without action.

“Let Me is an opportunity for you to put your time, energy, and values at the center of your life. It’s where you get to choose what’s worth your attention and what isn’t. How do you decide what’s right for you? Particularly when it’s a really stressful situation? Great question.

I find it helpful in these stressful moments to just say Let Them, take a pause, and consider: Is this going to bother me in an hour? Is this going to bother me in a week? Or is this something that just bothers me right now?

If I’m still thinking about it an hour from now, I should do something. If it’s going to matter in a week or a year, then I definitely need to do something.” (Pages 72-73)

Robbins isn’t promoting complacency, she’s promoting inspired action.

“All it takes is one person to do the right thing. And if it bothers you enough, that person is you. Something can always be done. You can make a difference. And if it doesn’t matter enough for you to get involved, then stop complaining about it. It just stresses you out.” (Page 74)

If you don’t want to take action, fine. But you do need to Let Them and Let Me move on.

This sounds simple in theory, but unrealistic in reality

The execution can be a challenge, which is why Robbins includes sections on managing stress, worrying about other people’s opinions, comparison, adult friendship, love, and more. Within each section are examples that allow you to see “Let Them” unfold.

Many of my own doubts were quelled as I continued reading. I flagged numerous quotes throughout the book, and had the most epiphanies while reading “Mastering Adult Friendship” and “Motivating Other People to Change.”

My Thoughts

Ooo this book was insightful! I’ve found many ways I can apply both “Let Them” and “Let Me” to my life, and I do feel lighter as a result.

Upon completing “The Let Them Theory,” I read a book published almost 25 years ago that echoed its sentiment: “Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life” by Byron Katie. It’s the perfect companion to “The Let Them Theory” and dives even deeper. The four questions are an excellent tool to help you release what’s upsetting you and embrace reality.

Have you read “The Let Them Theory”? What did you think?

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