I think I'll miss you forever

People come and go in our lives. It's just a natural flow of the Universe; the way the world works. We don't always know why or how it happens, we just accept it. Some people join us for a brief moment- a single raindrop cascading from the clouds. Others have a more lasting impact- a crash of thunder jolting the earth. It's the latter that we have a hard time forgetting and letting go of, whether they brought happiness and joy or misery and sorrow.

Then there are some people who bring both.

In 2014, I lost my best friend and my boyfriend within the same month. It's been almost a year since both relationships ended, but I haven't been able to forget or move on from either. I've had friends who pursued different paths and experienced break ups before, but never have I felt as deeply shattered and lost as I have over these past months. I'm constantly reliving moments, seeing the past in my dreams and feeling tormented by what went wrong. I can't live like this anymore. Heart pounding, breath shortening, head racing. Part of this is my fault- I can't let go. It's so hard to forget two people who were once my world. The one I connected with immediately, and the other who I thought was my soulmate.

The majority of my best recent memories are with these two, and are the type of photographic memories that when thought about, I can relive perfectly. I can see the way they both smiled at me: hers somewhat crookedly, his incredibly wide. Their gorgeous green eyes that lit up so brightly when they looked at me. How I admired those eyes. Feeling complete in their arms, and how we fit together so perfectly.

I felt like I could loose myself in their company; the type of release that's intoxicating. It's hard for me to calm down, relax, and allow myself to wander. She challenged me mentally, he did physically. It was a beautiful trifecta, one I've struggled to replicate.

Because they're gone.

I change the station when my radio plays certain songs, look away from firetrucks & bicycles, and drop old pictures I've accidentally picked up. Blue is not so soothing anymore.

I often wonder how it would play out if I could go back and live certain moments differently. It's comforting to think of extend relationships, but I feel the inevitable would only be prolonged. In the end it was a repetition of issues that gave me the heart pounding, breath shortening, head racing that I still experience today. But back then I didn't know what would happen. Now I know where I stand.

I know that I cannot talk to my current boyfriend's family, because she is dating his brother. I know that after four break ups and months of wanting me back a fifth time, he has found someone else.  I also know that over the past several months I have developed friendships and a relationship that have brought me much joy and support, of which I am deeply grateful for. Yet, I am still having difficulty replicating the deep connection I had with her, and shaking the bond I had with him.

Today I am moving into a house, and tomorrow is my twentieth birthday. I learned much and accomplished enormous feats in my teens, but I want my twenties to be a new era. It's hard to forgive, but I want to be able to do that. I want to move on and expand my current friendships. I want to let go and have the ability to be present in my current relationship. Now it's up to me, and I better learn how to face it.