Behind the Lens

If you're a consistent reader of my blog, you may have noticed a change. From the light optimism of Traveling Sunshine has sprung the somewhat more "sophisticated" Behind the Lens. This change was inspired by a combination of the metamorphosis of myself, Lucy (a psychic I enjoy visiting) and my dear friend, Hannah.

Graduating high school has lead to an abundance of change. It's fresh and exciting, but also tiresome and challenging. College has been an experience that has taught me more than just sustainable living, media communications, marketing and local news gathering. From immersing myself in journalism and communications, I've realized that this is not what I want to do.

Throughout high school my strengths have been academics and impeccable planning, but that is no longer the case. My numerous plans in college have fallen apart, to the point where I have given up. Hannah mentioned the term "anticipatory anxiety", which means I'm consumed by thoughts of the future. But the catch is- I'm not living right now. I feel my life is the consistent schedule of work and school. I haven't been writing and have barely taken any photographs. A year ago I loved salsa dancing and movement, but now I just love my bed. At this point I don't want to be awesome in the future, I want to be awesome now.

I have decided to drop out of Lyndon. (In actuality I'm transferring, but "dropping out" irks a better reaction. ;) In the Spring I will be heading to Northern Essex Community College, my mom's alma mater. My current standing is allowing me to graduate in May with an Associate's Degree in Liberal Arts. I love learning, and liberal arts is a varied program full of science, writing and discovery. To allow more flexibility in my life I have decided to take classes online, hoping my work schedule will even out so I can begin dancing again, and even enroll in mini classes through WREN and other such organizations. I've realized that I want to learn, but the traditional classroom setting isn't right for me.

After May I don't know what I will do with my life. I love writing, photography and traveling, so I'm hoping to find an excellent combination of the three. I want hours I can set myself, and to work with positive people. I want to discover and feel valued. I want to have exhilarating experiences. Will a Bachelor's Degree help with that?- I'm not sure. For now I am trying to be content in the present. The difficult task in making this happen is calming down my anxiety and ignoring what others think about these new ideas. Not many people are supporting my decision to take time off from school. But then again, not many people supported my decision to graduate from high school early- which is one of the best decisions I've ever made. I think I'm just tired of people.

Therefore, I have changed my blog to Behind the Lens. I feel I've been hiding my anxiety behind the optimistic facade of Traveling Sunshine, which is why I refreshed the blog and changed my course. Although I do fear the unknown, I can take confidence in knowing that I'm becoming more active in my present as well as my future. Plans are meant to be altered. And if Plan A doesn't work, stay cool, there are still 25 more letters. =)